Some weeks ago, David brought home a math test. It was a C which was bit surprising. He's been doing second grade math with his older brother without problems and loves math. I looked closer and noticed that the teacher had been marking answers wrong that were in fact correct. She'd written a question mark next to them as if she couldn't tell what the numbers were. The numbers, apart from one, were perfectly legible. Not neat, not nice, but legible, and the answers were all correct.
I don't like confronting teachers. I come from generations of teachers on both sides and I respect their work and I always assume they know more than I do. But this, I didn't like. I had been suspicious for a while at this point. David had been losing weight. He has dark circles under his eyes. Other weird stuff happened that should not be recorded for all eternity but I knew something was up with him. I thought I would start with this math test. I had no idea just what nasty worms I would find in the can I was about to open.
Tuesday morning before school, I went with David to ask the teacher for a couple of minutes of her time after school. We live right across from the school, and I thought it would be nicer to ask in person instead of sending a note. I had no intention of having a conversation with her at this time.
She asked whether this was "about the numbers" and when I concurred, she said it would be no use talking about this. Her decision was irrevocable, and she really detests it when kids don't write their numbers correctly from the get go. I answered that David had been working hard on his numbers, hardly ever wrote them backwards anymore and just had problems with the "8", like in this case. She said, no, no discussion about this and her colleagues would back her.
And, by the way, she was having massive problems with David. Which, of course, prompted me to say, what?
Then, she started ranting about how bad David was. He refuses to participate, he is obstinate and unsuited for school. His social and mental development is delayed. He is a social outcast, anti-social even, and of course the other kids can't help but notice that something is wrong with him. None of the kids was his friend.
Why she said this, I don't know. I do know that it is at least a massive exaggeration. His little cousin is in the same class, they love each other madly. They fight, too, just like real siblings. David spent last weekend with him, complete with sleep-over. David also had an invitation to a birthday party the next day. I had watched him being hugged by class mates that same morning. So, not true.
So I told her that we get the very strong vibe that she just didn't like David. I said that I don't care whether or not she does but David cannot ever notice this, nor the other children, nor, really, we. This made her furious. She denied it completely but added then that all the other children also didn't like him. Note the "also". She used some very vulgar language at this point.
When I said, uncomfortably eyeing the children who were crowding the open door to the classroom only a few feet away, that I didn't think this was the time nor the place for such a conversation, she barbed that she also couldn't know what was wrong with David's social environment. Only later, at home, did I realize that she was insulting me.
She said plenty more, and all of it unpleasant. We agreed to meet again on Monday, to talk in a more private setting. This was subsequently cancelled - the teacher took sick the next day for a week.
I went home and cried. Then I brought my younger kids to daycare and asked the director there whether she had ever noticed that something wasn't right with David. I know that David can be difficult. He's very single-minded and very, very stubborn. I can imagine the situation very well -- David, once you get him up against you, does not relent. The director sat down with me and David's preschool and Kindergarten teacher and they were appalled, and very upset. They urged me not to let this sit but go and do something.
Then I drove to my parents. They said the same thing, that something needed to be done. My Dad said he would come with me to the school principal if I wanted it.
I called the substitute teacher who'd been teaching the class for weeks back in November. She told me that David had never ever refused work, was on the contrary enthusiastic and happy to participate. She said she found him extremely cute.
Then I talked to other parents of the same class. The things I heard were horrifying. David is not a talker, he likes to keep to himself. It's hard to get him to talk about things that bother him. He's very private that way. Over the next days, I thought I had entered a parallel universe, one that was filled with unhappy, hurt children, one where I was so clueless about my own son's mental anguish that it bordered on neglect.
I heard that she yells at the kids, a lot, and especially at David.
I heard that she sends David out of the classroom for long stretches of time. He's then in the hallway, unsupervised. She does this with other kids as well but she seems to focus on David.
I heard that she told him and several other kids that they were stupid and had to repeat the grade anyhow.
I talked to David and found out that she forces him to tell on his classmates, or else she would throw him out of the class or even worse, send him home. (That latter one seemed to bother him and it relieved him in no small way when I told him I'd be happy to have him back home any time. However, it's an empty threat, and I also told him that -- she'd be in a world of trouble if he left the building during class time.)
She doesn't allow birthday celebrations, no treats on birthdays, nothing.
She tells the kids that school is a duty and they have to come to school no matter what. So one kid was terrified of staying home sick.
She yelled at the class for looking at the snow one day. It was snowing gigantic snowflakes - people know exactly which day I'm talking about when I say this, it was that unusual. She yelled at the kids, said whether they were from Mars and had they never seen any snow in their lives? The first to comment one more time would have to leave the room.
One kid who has a horrible history of sexual abuse grew so scared of the teacher that she has go back into therapy, therapy that she had finished successfully a year earlier -- and the teacher knew about her background.
One kid comes home in the afternoon and sleeps for hours.
Kids have headaches, don't want to go to school, have stomach aches, are aggressive, refuse their homework. At least six kids are wetting their beds again.
Many of the kids are consistently worse at their work than their true abilities would suggest. David has trouble identifying letters. He knew his ABC's at the age of four, in two languages. He'd been reading simple English before first grade.
It took a lot of time to draw David out. He refused. He told me that he forgets about school. It seems that the moment he walks out of there, he successfully represses the bad things that happened, actually everything that happened at school. He doesn't want to talk about it. We have this game at the dinner table where we ask them to tell us one nice thing that happened at school today. Alan would tell us about all kinds of different things. David would say things like, "I bought a juice box", "X played with me in recess", or "I came home."
So I told him, "I know that your teacher sends you into the hallway", and he was taken aback. "Are you not mad at me?" "No, love. I'm mad at the teacher, she's not allowed to do that." "Really?" "Really. What else does your teacher do, tell me about some things you like, or some things you don't like." It took time. I had to keep at it, and he kept withdrawing. It was hard work. And what I heard eventually, I didn't like. At all.
I wrote it all down. I made a transcript of my conversation with the teacher. I listed the symptoms that the children displayed. I listed all the transgressions the parents told me about. My cousin and I arranged a parent meeting. And then I went to the director. I told the director everything, and gave him my list, complete with footnotes.
The principal was appalled. He'd had parents in complaining but no one had ever thought about sitting down and telling him in details about what was going on. Nobody had ever given him a neutral list with cold, clear facts.
We had a parents' meeting in which the main emotion was relief: "What, it's not only my child? You mean, you experience this too?" We were only a few in the beginning. Some were afraid that the teacher would retaliate by punishing their kids. Some were discouraged from the get-go and said that it would all amount to nothing. I told the parents that not only is it our duty to protect our kids but also that we have to demonstrate to them that they are worth to fight for, and that standing up against abuse is something that one simply does. For our kids, for the next class this teacher will get, for all the children she will ever teach.
And so some parents sent emails to the director, some called to complain, some went to talk to him in person. The pressure mounted and suddenly, things did move. The principal has had two very long talks with the teacher. The results were quite amazing: at the moment, things are going swimmingly. There is no more yelling and the kids are baffled - David tells me every day now that there still was no yelling, or only once. On our side, we have worked hard with David to make him understand that refusing cooperation and work just won't do. I told him that he's allowed to say, "Please don't yell at me", but that he cannot refuse to do his homework. Suddenly, he participates in class and brings home A's. Hm.
The kids are all much happier but also weary - will this last? David still doesn't love to go to school but he doesn't cry or refuse to go anymore. He comes home happier. He gets smiley faces and "well done" stamps on his homework. The teacher told me he's like a different child, and oh so smart, and he reads so well and writes so prettily. So much effect with such little effort - no more yelling, a little more encouragement. We hope it will last but we are reserving judgment.
The teacher, we found out, has a history. She came from another school; the files are sealed at the local school authority but it was easy to find out that she left that school for similar reasons. We agreed that we don't want a witch hunt and if the teacher manages to get a grip on her temper, then we can deal with her staying. The question is whether someone who has a long history of ill temper can completely change this behavioral pattern in little time, on her own. I sincerely hope she can. It would be the best solution for all involved, including her.
Privately, we have increased our efforts to make sure that we can start the kids in a different school after the summer break. We're not sure if we can pull this off - some factors are just not within our control. Alan needs to be in an advanced placement class in math; he's already doing simple algebra and is very frustrated about the slow speed in his class. David is in a similar situation. We'll see what we can do.
In the meantime, we are watchful.
That's... horrible, what happened. Abuse of authority is my bete noir; when aimed at the defenseless, even more so. I hope the new direction continues, at least long enough for you to make other arrangements if necessary.
:shakes head:
Posted by: Jim Parish | February 11, 2010 at 05:25 PM
Wow, what a horrible situation - it sounds like you handled it admirably. David is lucky to have parents who are willing to advocate for him like that. It seems that I hear way too often that people just sit back and let the school act as they wish, without paying attention to the effect it has on their children.
I had many battles with Neša's former school, and am so glad that we've found a good once now, and that we've had good experiences with their flexibility and the teachers there. It can make a real difference in a child's life.
Posted by: Ange | February 11, 2010 at 05:46 PM
ThePinkThing wants David to come to her school and be in her class. She also isn't sure if she wants to marry Alan or David when she grows up (sorry Jacob, you're out of the running).
Seriously though, standing up to someone like that takes courage. Finding out about the situation beyond what was happening with David, documenting it all, leading the parents to a level of consensus takes a lot of moral strength and tenacity. This may be the most important thing you will ever do for David in his whole life. Kudos.
His smile in that picture looks sad. :-(
Posted by: neurondoc | February 11, 2010 at 09:55 PM
Hurrah Claudia. What an awesome job of standing up to an abusive teacher, but in a way that was productive, not destructive. Fingers crossed that the changes continue.
Posted by: Christine | February 12, 2010 at 03:45 AM
Well done on standing up for your child! I'm very impressed with your courage to do that. Let's hope that the changes stay put.
I know you mentioned once before that homeschooling in Germany is illegal and this sideshow reminded me of that:
http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,1967762,00.html
Not the same thing as you and your family as I'm fairly sure you're not Evangelical Christians.
Posted by: Kinga | February 26, 2010 at 06:22 PM
The question is whether someone who has a long history of ill temper can completely change this behavioral pattern in little time, on her own. I sincerely hope she can. It would be the best solution for all involved, including her.
No. She needs to be destroyed, her career ruined.
Teachers like this can blight a child's life; they set up ripples of blackness that will not dissipate for years, if ever. She has no business working with children: let her become (for example) a pathologist, or butcher's assistant. But she must be got out of teaching as soon as possible, and certainly before her pension vests.
Posted by: Mrs Tilton | March 21, 2010 at 03:48 AM
Keep on,Claudia. Glad that he knows that his parents are behind him. He looks so sad in the picture.
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Posted by: RamonGustav | September 06, 2010 at 10:41 AM
The new year is already knocking at the door, let it will bring only happiness and joy.
Posted by: Antivirus_man | December 07, 2010 at 09:09 PM